love zacheus

backk

2007-12-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

obviously abandoned. haha.
anyway, life's been ups and downs lately. but ive so many classmates who's going through this 'journey' with me. so it comforts me a little. cos sometimes they are soo funny. haha.

christmas coming ! (: hmm..will be spending christmas busy working in carrefour. but i still hope it'll be fun. lately, some things happened at work. but mm.. i hope everything will be resolved in peace. im a little the cause of it. feel quite guilty. maybe things will get worse.. but no, hope not :P

why are things so complicating sometimes?

2007-11-19T03:48:00.000-08:00

target="_blank">Conference 2008" / />

boo!

2007-11-01T05:09:00.000-07:00

i almost forgot that i got a blog.
until deborah asked me a few days ago.. "how come you never update ur blog?"
hmm..okay..maybe that wasnt her exact words, but the menaing is there lah. haha (:

ive been forgetful, until i forgot all about going to nursila's house for hai raya as well. oh sigh. wat's wrong with me? and sometimes i feel dazed in class. thankfully got the two funny people sitting next to me most of the time.. haha (: yupyup. refering to deborah and zhige. love them lots. i miss them everyday. :P haha, r-i-g-h-t.

hmm..nothing much in life. except that more assignments coming up.

working at carrefour has been great so far. most of the people there are pretty nice and fun loving.
and definitely not to forget: one extremely cute trolley boy, one abnormal customer service colleague, a few unreasonable duty managers, and lastly a guy who blindly likes me and almost everyone working in carrefour knows except me. who is obviously feigning ignorance. haha. no wonder they say love is blind. i totally agree..

alrights. have a happie day. love

the way you undress reflects your personality

2007-08-31T03:30:00.000-07:00

i copied this from someone's blog(:

the way you undress reflects yor personality:

1] If you throw your clothes all over the place, you're the friendly, party type.You're free with your thoughts and opinions and you don't care about what others think about you.It represents your happy individualistic nature. Stay that way.

2] If you remove each piece of clothing carefully, you're a serious person who likes to be very calm.You are comfortable with routine work, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist and by nature, quite shy. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making any decision. You go about your tasks with concentration.

3] If you take off the shirt and 10 minutes later get around to the pants, you're an extremely self confident person.You're naturally bright and intellectual. You're also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and not ponder over the meaning of them. You hate being rushed, neither do u like to be hastled. Usually you like a lot of free time for your self.

4] If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, your concerned about others is not what they expect from you but you are worried about your own needs. You are family oriented and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head.Give yourself a break, you don't have to be perfect.

5] If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace,watch etc before anything else then you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate, thoughtful & give good advice to your friends.You are naturally born romantic and helping friends or anybody is your second nature. You hate liars & would love the world to become a better place.

6] If you don't have any undressing routine because you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities,take risks and enjoy fun & adventure. The word monotony cannot dampen your spirits at any cost, as you live life to the max. Having fun is as much a part of your routine as slogging it out in the office.

2007-08-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

5 funny things about the beach :)

1) Why do we swelter for hours in a hot car just to swelter on a hot beach?

2) Is whistle training an essential part of lifeguard training?

3) Why is it luxurious to lie on the beach but annoying to find sand in our beds?

4) Why does the ocean make us feel insignificant, while our tiny swimsuits make us feel so huge?

5) If we’re working on our tans, is it really a vacation?

2007-07-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

i passed my lesson supervision by God's grace! (: whee. but truthfully, i could still hardly control the children, especially during the follow-up acivity.

mm..but compared to last year's attachment at bedok ntuc childcare, the classroom situation this time was lots better. when i failed twice last year, the experience practically tore me down. and i felt even more traumatised when i realised that the field supervisor for my year 3 attachment was the SAME person.

but..thank God for seeing me through the entire lesson with the children. the field supervisor gave me lots of constructive feedback as well (: though i was really scared when talking to her..

just one more week to the end of year 3 practicum. yay!

2007-07-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

havent updated in a long long time.

childcare attachment hasnt been going very well for me, i have to admit.

here are some photos of my children :)

and this is a class photo of a little boy's birthday party last friday (:
yummy fruit cake!

quenching desires

2007-06-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

i thought this was really meaningful (: been having it as the wallpaper on my laptop for quite some time already. just to share!
everytime i read it, it reminds me of the past.. the things which ive forgone. the things which ive lost...

translated-
things which were once in our possession, we never once lost them.
and for things which we never had, we need not desire desperately for them..
for the things which belongs to you,
you'll possess them.. for it only lies in the matter of time.
but for that which isnt yours..
they'll never belong to you. ever..

2007-06-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

blogger looks weird. haha. anyways. this shall be a super short one (:

hmm.i wanna change blogskin soon. whee~
there's loads of assignments to be completed, sigh. God give us strength (:

ohh. i came across this webite promoting really yummy chips. but its only available overseas, like in north america or something. haha. i love the site, its so cute.

the chips are really healthy, cos it contains real fruits.

my mum took leave for tomorrow. she says maybe we could go out. hope she doesnt lie to me..

im so so tired, sigh. off to bed. this entry is as good as nothing. haha

new beginnings

2007-06-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

im feeling low. feeling down. seems to be perpetually depressed. ohh no.

anyways, today was the first day of attachment at a new childcare centre, situated in a presbyterian church in Simei. hmm..the learning environment here is so so peaceful, its a stark contrast to my previously attached- NTUC childcare centre.

days at the bedok ntuc childcare were like a battlefield. each time i entered the classroom, everywhere was chaos and the children would be screaming their heads off and throwing toys in every corner. it sure was a challenge but..i totally love the children there. they are so much more loving and passionate. they would throw themselves at you with every chance they get. so it actually leads to more chaos. cos when one child sticks to you, practically the whole class will come tagging at their feet. haha. sounds ridiculous but its true, really.

well, though the children here at my new childcare centre dun do such things, but they are certainly adorable as well. decently adorable. ((:

hmm..but i still miss my little sean.

now and always

2007-05-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

SHINE IS SAD.
seems to be always sad.. sigh:(

seriously its time to grow up. when is my wake-up call coming? :P

i totally dread the feeling of waking up. for the past few days, i often wake up feeling half empty within. somewhat lost and emotionally empty. its a feeling that ive never felt for a long time already, and now its back again. :( ahh.

but! im already trying super hard to overcome these feelings. yup yup (:
time heals all wounds........ i hope.

ooh. yesterday, deborah zhige and me had yummy lunch at adam road food market (: then we had a big tub of yummy chocolate ice cream with oreo cookies bits (the flavour is called reversO!!) as well as a scoop of brandied cherry. hmm. super satisfying and yummy indeed. and they took lots of photos with their camera! haha :P

[people are often attracted to those who are self-confident.] is that true?

2007-05-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

when we fall, we fall deeper.. :(

some stuffs happened lately. hmm..dun quite wish to mention it. but my life's been pretty screwed up, though (i hope) i doesnt appear so. hmm.yup, life still goes on, despite all the setbacks we may encounter along life's journey. im not an emotionall strong person to begin with, so after all that has happened recently..it certainly makes my heart bleed and tear me awayy slowly.

have been trying super hard to cope..in an absolutely wrong and self-contempting manner-> binge eating. ive been eating a lot more than usual for the past weeks. bigger portions and having more meals in a day. and after stuffing myself with food, i just feel worse..from the guilt. sigh.

mm..watever happens, it'll always help to remain positive as much as possible. hmmm :( kind of saw it coming anyway. should have expected it :( now, im still learning to be emotionally strong, before i break down again. that day i stupidly did something and found blood splattering all over my table. :P

i hardly told anyone about this problem of mine. but i really hope people will still be there for me... :(
p.s. thanks lots nursi for being such a sweet friend, and a good listening ear. love. appreciate ur company that day (: mm.hope to see all my secondary school friends again. miss them loads.

2007-04-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

i watched "200 pounds beauty" with my boyfriend a few days ago, it was super enjoyable to watch. and pretty touching as well. (:
The story is simple, it shows a woman who is overweight and unattractive, yet has a warm heart, becomes an almost perfect beauty via extensive plastic surgery

love this trailer, catch it here! :)))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN26w0mxGPk

2007-04-25T06:00:00.001-07:00

I said a prayer for you today
And know God must have heard
I felt the answer in my heart
Although he spoke no word.
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
(I knew you wouldn't mind)
I asked Him to send treasures
Of a far more lasting kind!
I asked that He'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And friends to share your way.
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small
But it was for His loving care
I prayed for most of all!
-- author unknown

2007-04-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

today is tuesday! no school today... but soon, all of us will be busy with the piles of assignments. though attachment will start on week 8, but i guess it'll come really fast. sigh.

my bf has been too busy to accompany me, not less message me.. :P oh wells.
anyways, take care all. love

2007-04-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

check this new thing out! its gonna be super HOT in the market. must read on kay (: the thing im promoting is the M2Btv. its something like mediacorp's MOBtv and SCV, except that its a whole lot better!

just by subscribing to this M2Btv, you'll have access to 52 channels. and each channel has loads of programmes! there's korean dramas, hongkong dramas, lifestyle programmes, sports news, documentaries and a whole lot more! (: definitely a variety to choose from.
in addition, you can also sing karaoke, check your mails, surf the internet, make video calls etc. (:

and wats even better is that!- you can press stop, rewind, forward! so you can watch the shows at your own leisure. (instead of having to catch the show at a particular inconvenient timeslot. or having to miss your favourite show jus because u're out having fun) so cool rights?

and its cheaper than SCV!! this M2Btv is available at $29.90 monthly. but with a new promotion, you'll pay $118 for 12 months! which means each month is actually less than $10 :) with this promotion comes a free $80 NTUC voucher, free branded pen (woth $120), free wireless adaptor and free activation fee (worth &30).

this promotion will only be for a limited period of time. if you're considering to subscibe to M2Btv, can ask me for more information kay (: cos i have the subsription forms!
you could check out their website:
http://www.m2bworld.com/

the cause.the cost.the cross

2007-04-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY ALL!! ((:

ooh. can someone tell me why i cant change the coloiur of these words? so weird. i remember last time can lahhs.

anyway, here's some words of blessing for this special day.
"At times it may seem that your prayers are not being answered and you wonder if God even hears you.

God doesn't give you what you want he gives you what you need.
God may not come when you call him but He is always there right on time.
Stay steadfast in prayer (:

hmm..i havent got a new phone ever since my poor phone drowned in january. i may be getting this phone. cos the other nice phones are all too expensive :P its the same one as deborah.

and this is my boyfriend's picture:

conflicting thoughts

2007-04-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

apparently i got myself into more and MORE trouble.

wat do those 2 guys see in me that's worth fighting over? sigh. crazy people. i just feel its so unworthy of them to be using up their emotional strength. ive really really gotten myself into an awful mess.. im like stuck in the middle with no one to confide in. :( maybe because even i myself am confused..

one end stands this damn hot guy K (whose good looking, muscular, great body, quite a cute personality for his age, generous and dadadada~), and the other end stands this normal guy E whose so much 'closer to reality' and much easier to communicate with. (actually im beginning to treat him as a brother whose always taking care of me)

yup, so now as im typing all these, there's actually an emotional war going on. between the 2 guys and me. im in such a conflicting situation.

and the PROBLEM is that the 2nd guy E doesnt trust the 1st guy K, because he feels strongly that he is actually really NOT a decent person. actually i think so too..cos some stuffs happened. some stuffs which is totally unimaginable.
its not convenient to state it here. :P

but one thing that i could probably say, is that: he really damn tanned and muscular la! (considering that he is a commander in a fire station) cos i actually got to see his body. when he was changing. haha.

sigh. but apparently ive hurt the 2nd guy a lot. cos he was quite close to me and yet... i sort of betrayed him in the end. :(

shuai dai le

2007-03-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

hmmm..only two weeks of the school holiday left. *screams. i havent done much reading or research on ECH related stuffs..hee. i wonder if we are suppose to, anyway. but probably not, haha.

lately, some stuffs have happened. making me a little troubled,somehow. if troubled is the word to use. :) just last week, i went to the bedok stadium for a run, and there was this (quite) tall, (a little)dark and (relatively)handsome guy whom i bumped to several times. i guess its because we started the run at the same time, and ran past each other on the track a couple of times. mm..i particularly took notice of him since he did his rounds effortlessly and was so fast on the track. he was really super duper fast :\ but since its quite common to see altheletic guys like him at the stadium, i didnt gave much thought or consideration into this entire matter.

BUT!! just when i was about to leave the stadium and head home, he approached me and sort of wanted to make friends. *totally stunned. and quite awkward as well since there were passer-bys looking at us. haha. so anyway, we did make friends somehow.

and guess wat!? he turns out to be working in the Singapore Civil Defence Force and has quite a high rank (as a Rota Commander) at the fire station. wow. totally amazed. he even sent me a picture of him and the entire unit of NS firemen at the fire station he's allocated at. (but dun think can post it up here, hee)

but here's a random picture on SCDF:

my brother says im too gullible to make friends so easily. mm..i just hope i dont get bluffed in any way. but he seems really nice and quite cute too. haha.

btw, check out the new water attraction at SENTOSA!!! its called songs of the sea. i went there on wednesday! totally cool and captivating i tell you. hee~ sentosa rocks.
here are some pictures. a little blur. must check it out for yourself. there's laser lights, beatiful lightings on water, flame bursts, mini fireworks, live casts, water jets etc. (:

happenings

2007-03-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

mm..recently i had a burn on my leg cos i got off the wrong side of a motorcycle. :P yupps, so i got burned by the piping hot exhaust pipe. and apparently a blister formed on the burned area. and now there's blood, raw red flesh and black chao-ta burns all around. alrights, i know it sounds disgusting, haha. but it IS really quite bad. mm..but that still wouldnt convince me to see a doctor. cos it's a little waste of money, hee.

hmmm.last friday was my birthday! and my parents brought me to a japanese restaurant at takashimaya for lunch. the food was yummy. here are some pictures!

yummy? yesyes! but super expensive as well.

mm..yesterday, i attended one of my friends bbq. i made a few new friends, mostly guys though. they were friendly people, so everyone talked to each other. mm..its just a small group, here's a group picture..

dreams and reality

2007-03-13T01:59:00.001-07:00

No matter what your dream may be, don't allow too many facts to get in the way. Instead,color it boldly across the canvas of your imagination, and gaze confidently at it daily. Your dream need not be in alignment with all the facts to come true, but it does need your devoted attention if it is to become your fact.

May you know the joy of turning today's most beautiful imaginings into tomorrow's undeniable facts :))

four in a million

2007-03-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

hmm..havent updated in a long long while. but i guess no one comes here anyway. haha.
hmmm..now having holidays. it's such a good nice feeling to be on holiday and have nothing bothering your mind. mm..having to be in year 3 in another month's time certainly seems daunting to me. sigh.. hmm..i miss my classmates suddenly. deborah, zhige, karryn, charlane, kelly, jiayun, looyee!! ahhh.
recently, at the Sentosa Flowers, i got to know this guy. whose quite sweet, in NUS now. mm..we went out for movies [just follow law, music and lyrics], dinner and window shopping. apparently, he says that he likes me but im rather confused as to what i feel for him. hmmm..im kinda void of feelings now. just a little scared of going ito a relationship, especially since the past one was quite a nightmare in some way. :P hmm..but on the other hand, i dun wish to reject him and make him hurt in any way. everything's great aout him (so far) but some things that makes me a little apprehensive about accepting him are:
no1. he smokes. 2. he quite frequently goes pubs with his friends. 3. he's not a christian. 4. his not-quite-good skin complexion.

mm..yesterday, i sat on a motorbike for the first time!! so fun i tell you (: but a little scary as well. cos i felt like i might fly off my seat any time. haha. and i dun like wearing the helmet, makes my head heavy and stuffed inside like a mushroom. :P

i miss all of you. take care loads..

happie valentine's day!

2007-02-13T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
HAPPIE VALENTINE'S DAY! (:

i know you have so many other lovers besides me... but it's okay. i'll still be your faithful lover (: i love you! but thanks for loving me first..hee.

with love, shine!*

dont be afraid..cos i'll always be there

2007-01-28T01:54:00.000-08:00

hmmm. seems like ive complicate matters. mm..somewhat like a third party. its terrible truly. because there's just so many sides to a single matter. and we could never know wat another person is thinking, so we make guesses and judgements and restrict the TRUTH in a box...

if you are reading this, can you share your views on this matter? --> would you think that it's wrong or right to love your close friend's ex-boyfriend?
personally, i wouldnt think that it's quite acceptable. mm..i mean..i wouldnt want to lose my close friend over a guy. especially if my friend still loves him.... mm. but wat if i really do love that guy as well? hmmmm. i guess no matter what, i just wouldnt fight with my friend over that guy. unless he's totally worth it. haha :P mm.i love my friend too much to hurt her.

anyways. want to share the dove advertisment on low self esteem. i think it's absolutely cool. the song's soo sweet as well (:

you're beautiful...like a rainbow.

words have a way of killing us

2007-01-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

well. first of all.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARRYN! :)))

had my last day of attachment at the childcare on wednesday. Mm..kinda left a part of my soul there, especially since the past few weeks of attachment have been quite a struggle. but how i miss my dearest sean. ahhh. he has changed lots under the loving care of 2 new teachers this year. i suspect he has ADHD, but the teachers have been doing a great job in modifying his behaviour (: loving him loads. hmmmm. i bet everyone of us miss that one special child at the centre. *biasness. haha.

mm..having insomnia again these days. its back to haunt me..sigh. and something has been happening lately, and it kinda makes me confused and perhaps upset? ahh.. :( i really dun know wats happening.. maybe when im more sure, i could share.. :P

meanwhile, my handphone has passed away (unpeacefully) on thursday, around 12pm at canteen 2. it died with a heating battery, strange water guggling sound, moistured screen, wet internal parts and spoilt keypad. so now im using my brother's old hp. but everything is gone.. *sad-ded.

loving my friends. and GOD! who saw me through:)

2007-01-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

mm..im pretty much void of feelings presently. just last night, i was telling myself that when all ends, i'll be shouting for joy and having a huge sense of relief. but nope, i dun feel a thing at all. except for some form of emptiness within me..

honestly, im still in self denial that i'll even get a passing grade for the supervision of my 2nd lesson plan. cos i know for a fact that it's worth a failure. im not trying to be pessimistic here, just speaking the truth. what i conducted wasnt even a lesson, but probably the children's free-play time with complete disregard of the presence of a teacher.
let me give you a mental picture of the scenerio: imagine- the children screaming at the top of their voices, opening up every box of manipulatives and having them thrown all over the floor, climbing/hanging on the window grills, rolling on the floor, crumpling the carpet and running all over the classroom snatching each other's toys...

who in the right state of mind will pass such a helpless teacher? sigh. nobody will understand, and that's also the reason why i was so reluctant to tell any of my friends that i passed. i know they'll feel happy for me..but it isnt quite the truth.

i know everyone faces problems during implementation of their lessons, but mine is completely terrible right from the beginning through to the end.
do you know how it feels like to experience a failure just for once and forever, you'll discouraged and bear an emotional stigma.. :'(

nonetheless, i appreciate every single darling friend who encouraged me, spurred me on and telling me that i CAN actually do it. esp karryn who called me last night. ahh. so touched can. i cried after putting down the phone..
mm..thanks to all my lovely friends..though i feel that ive let you down. :P

hurts

2007-01-09T23:34:00.000-08:00

saddening. and super depressing. and.. disheartening as well :'(
apparently, i failed my Math lesson supervision.. i so badly wanted to hide in the corner of the classroom to cry after the supervisor talked to me..
ahhhHHH :( im so super duper upset. i couldnt even get past the tune-in activity. how useless can i get...really. :( if i had a knife with me then, i would have cut myself a few times just to 'release' my hurts.
i tried so hard to suppress my feelings.. didnt want to cry in front of the children, teachers, or qihuan. but it just felt terrible. cos it definitely hurt me a lot, a lot. everthing went totally out of control. its scary really, cos its my first time seeing my children behave in that manner, even the quiet and neutral ones went mad.

i really, really at a loss. i wish i could disappear...

rumblings

2006-12-30T01:25:00.000-08:00

ahh. i havent been updating my blog for some time. :P haha.
hmm..HAPPIE NEW YEAR EVERYONE (: yupyup. hope things get better and sweeter yah (:

with this new year.. comes new challenges. ahh. :( scary.
and..my tuition have started again. boo-hoo-hoo :'( hmm. thankfully yesterday's tuition didnt turn out as bad as i thought. thanks to God! (: i muttered a prayer to God before i started..so im sure God has helping me. and so! i managed to pull through! *yay. i seem to make it sound like some crisis huh. haha.
today went out with my pizza place friends..it was super fun! and we watched "death note 2". super duper niceee show. loved it to bits (: such great mystery..and cute jap actors & actress. must watch!! i havent seen part one though, so im gonna find a way to watch the part 1 as well.

here are some pictures from the goat farm i went to last week (for our Science project)

goats coming to gather

milking the goats

sterilising the goats uders

a little girl feeding goat with HAY!

stuck

2006-12-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

hmm. somehow.. the past few days havent quite been easy to pass, even though ive mangaged to pull through till this day. well, it isnt the stress. or watsoever.. i just feel so tired. some times, i find myself collasping on the floor, staring into space with my eyes half-open. and ive been having some crazy obsession that im too fat. which often leads to feelings of inferiority, especially when i see skinny, pretty people. my brother has been scolding me these days..cos i always say that everyone is pretty. everyone is better. everyone but me.

and recently, i flare up at my mum for no particular reason. and then, i'll suddenly feel so guilty inside. and wonder to myself: "What's wrong with you, shine?"

and. and! my sucidal thoughts coming backk again. ahhhH. :'(

i wish there was something one could do to pick up the broken pieces once more... yes, definitely: prayer do works. but during those times when our prayers are unanswered, it might mean that it isnt according to God's plan. i could only hope that i have the wisdom to understand tat......

here's a picture of the water dispenser my mum's friend gave us as a christmas present. cute right. yups.

i hurt you. you hurt me.

2006-12-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

missing my secondary school classmates. :'( hmm.but gonna see them soon.. (hopefully!)
i feel very stressed leh. aiyo. but kelly and qihuan isnt. good for them, haha. i just feel as if ive tons of nonsense to do. and there's just not enough time la :(
evrytime i come home after school, i dun feel like doing anything. and always feel very tired.

and! i miss someone soooo much. sigh. God please help us. nonetheless, shall have faith that things will eventually turn out alright. that some miracle happens. sigh. :(

my mum nagging me to sleep le. sigh. so damn irritating. but shall not complain. (: my heart truly goes out to those whose mothers has 'left' them, be it death or divorce. strengthen up yah (:

christmas season (:

2006-12-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

God gives gifts that help us become givers as well. His gifts to us enable us to turn around and enrich others. Gifts like mercy, faith, encouragement, wisdom, knowledge, healing, and discernment flow out of the brightly colored packages we unwrap every day from our Father. These are not gifts we pile up on our bed and look at. These are gifts that perpetuate the life of Christ in us. And they keep on giving for the rest of our lives, or as long as we use them. (:

-purposedrivenlife (:

fade awayy

2006-11-28T04:26:00.000-08:00

just had a super-full dinner. feeling guilty now. cos ive been sort of binging on food these days, just so that i might feel better.. i feel as if im eating my troubles awayy. feeling damn upset now. :(

i saw 'him' in the lift today. the only face i saw amidst the crowd of people. it only lasted a split second before everthing was over.. i was so completely stunned to see him. cos he doesnt study in our block. and i thought he's in hongkong for npcc.
apparently, he saw me too..cos i was in his line of vision. He looked blankly at me, and i returned an empty gaze back at him before the lift door closed. didnt want to enter the lift at all, despite the fact that i was able to squeeze in. :P
but after this incident, i was just so distraught throughout my journey home. so lost and dazed... till now, i still feel so emotionally affected. :( *sigh. i never wanted to lost a friend.

imagine if one of ur close friend tells you that he/she will be there for you, and will still take you as a friend (despite wat has happened in the past), assuring you that you still have a friend in him/her. and yet one day..says that he/she needs some time to be alone, and that it'll be better to keep a distance. and so, you think that it might be temporal. but gradually, your hope dimishes.. everything fades away. so when the day comes when you see him/her right before you, how will you react?...

2006-11-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

feeling quite insecure now. i wonder why.. sigh.
maybe its the chill wind. or maybe cos my mentor assessing me tomorrow for language arts lesson. Qihuan wouldnt be at the childcare with me :( *sobs. im so going to die without her.

hmm..was online just now. and a very-super-long-never-talk-to-him friend talked to me. i thought it was so weird. i wonder why.. maybe boredom? i hope it isnt because of anything else, haha. cos' we not even close. well, anyways, that person asked for a birthday present! haha.
so i suppose that's the purpose of talking to me? haha. wells, anyway, i agreed. but that person wanted a shoe. and shoes can be so hard to buy!! esp when i dunno the size and which design the person likes. :P hmm..i still find him 'suspicious'. i think i read too much into him le. oops.

hmmm. i must admit. i really still feel very very sad. because i havent seen or talked to someone after since the person 'left'. sad-ded. :'(
wat have i done wrong? am i still not forgiven? sigh. im really not wat that person imagines me to be lahh.
God, please help that person forgive me. and please restore this broken friendship.

dadada..

2006-11-19T04:53:00.000-08:00

planning my science lesson now! mm..quite tough. dunno how to go about doing it.. but im planning to do on the absorbency of water in various materials. (: good idea..? haha. ive been feeling distracted the whole day, hardly did much work. i remember having lots of things to do for this weekend. and yet! when it really IS the weekends, im suddenly at a loss. wahaha. super blur and forgetful as usual.

hmm..but partly cos of the medicine i took, which is giving me the hangover. bleah* it practically stops my brain from functioning..

anyways, went to botanic gardens yesterday! with all my beloved classmates. such a beautiful place. with huge green trees, colourful flowers, resourceful library, proud swans (haha!), hairy caterpillars and the list goes on... :))
here are some pictures!

ought to be stronger.. :(

2006-11-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

In that moment when our desire to do and be the best we can.. grows stronger than our fear of failure -- in that solitary moment --greatness rises up within us to take command and we may dare to dothe impossible. It is in that moment that possibility is born.

"Be strong:) and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Palm 31:24

crying..is to accept an end to things.

2006-11-04T00:26:00.000-08:00

HOORAY! im close to finishing my lesson plans. i hope that it'll be successful when implement them with my children in the following weeks. jia you~ and to all my friends too. no stress yah (:

hmm..last wednesday when i went for this new term's attachment, it was reallyy enjoyable. my kindergarten children didnt forget me at all. haha, so happie (: in fact, i think they became more warm towards me. they were as sticky as glue..was so hard to 'shake' them off. everyone was just pulling me in all directions, so i didnt know who to follow.
but of course, being the biased me, i spent lots of time with sean :) mm..partly cos mm..partly cos the teachers couldnt be bothered with teaching him, and he was being left to play alone at the corner of the classroom. so mean la. :P he is so sweet, and emotional. he kept whining to me: "dun go there..stay here. stay here with me." so i couldnt bear to leave him. but the teachers kept glancing at me..must be wondering why i so sticky towards sean when i suppose to be in kindergarten class, not nursery. hee.

oohh. and that naughty little boy kept forcing a kiss on me. and he did it like.. 4 times! im so scared of him.. but i must say: he's really affectionate. :) his future girlfriend will be so lucky, haha.
children are indeed joys of our life. this is how sean looks like!

2006-10-28T00:51:00.000-07:00

whee. yet another saturday. am glad its saturday though. the long hours in school are killing me. and there seems to be a whole load of assignments to do. though most of them havent start yet. haha. a lot of group work.. :P a bit hard to do if lots of people have to get together. BUT :) at least all my group members are nice nice people. Thank God for them :)
home alone today. planning to go library later to find children's books. hopefully can find really good ones, effective for teaching (:

the song im listening to now [RUN by Snow patrol] is so absolutely depressing... sighs. whenever i hear the opening tune of the song..im reminded of all those hurtful stuffs. my heart sinking already la :( but oh well. must be positive..
some people can just be so mean. well, of course everyone will be self-centred at times.. but it shouldnt be to the extent of hurting others. sigh ): it really hurts to lose a friend. although i must admit that my situation is not as bad compared to others.. hmmm.
i guess i just dun seem to understand why that person cant seem to let go of it and move on. holding on to past mistakes will only deepen our hurts, wouldnt it?..

that person says, "i need time to be alone for a while" and needs to keep a distance.. but. i can never trust these words. cos its so not true :( a while will be forever....
hmm.anyways, im getting over it already. my mum says that she can feel my sadness.. haha. i guess its because its too overwhelming that im so distraught at home. cant seem to do a single thing.. im like just wandering around the house aimlessly with a sad face :P
my mum says life's not worth getting upset over minor stuffs. mm..perhaps, maybe ive been thinking too much.. exaggerating the situation of things.

i can only hope for the best.. hopefully, i'll be completely forgiven and that everything will go well once again...

save me. i place my trust in you GOD

2006-10-16T02:52:00.000-07:00

ive found out that... everyone at my (prev) working place knows about it now. :'( how am i going to face anyone? i never ever thought that i'll land myself in such a situation. i cant believe things have spread so far now. it only takes a pair of ears and a mouth to get a gossip travelling farrr. how am i going to face anyone of them? im as good as condemned.

if all my friends know about it, i'll really reallyy not have anyone left to be there for me. everyone will just leave me and look at me with judgemental eyes. i know that the past cannot be erased..but i really meant to repent my sins and never ever to do it again. i cried so badly because of it, and i truly hope things will be alright again. but now more and more people are knowing about it :( ahhhHH!!
once again, i feel as if no matter how things have changed now, your past will always leave a black mark in ur life. why cant we be thoroughly forgiven by men? thankfully, God forgives and he knows in our hearts that we truly meant to repent.

i know how much it hurts God when i repeatedly did the thing, without consideration for his feelings. but.. because of his mercy and grace, he gave me many chances to confess and repent of those horrible sins. now i will no longer do it again.. but it seems that ive lost many other precious people and their trust.

not sad. just hurt...

2006-10-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

feeling hurt. very very hurt. hmm..someone please talk some sense into me. sigh. i know its my fault though. hmm..indeed its true that you can never escape from the web of lies. in the end, when he found it, he was soo shocked. so now everything's overr. *bleah.
i shouldnt have said a thing. i thought honesty is important. but seems like i didnt use my brain before saying anything. sigh. serves me right. sigh..who could ever help me. i cant even help myself. so stupid.

the four-letter word which starts with L is no longer LOVE, but LIES. i dun give it a damn anyway. stupid people. no one is ever good..

2006-10-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

We stand in the shadow of our lives every time we tell ourselves that something cannot be done because we are not good enough, orstrong enough, or rich enough, or young enough or thin enough, or anything else enough. It is only when we boldly declare, "I am enough!" that we are able to step from the shadow and into the light of a beautiful new day.

i saw charlane today at citylink! (actually..she saw me first) okies, anyway.. the thing is: she is now so pretty! (: pretty with her new hairstyle. yups, looking forward to see her when school reopens. and everyone else..
went out with someone today, but i just felt quite weird. though that person IS really nice to me.. im afraid i would have hurt the person, but of course i doubt so. or rather, i hope not..
i fell into depression mode again today, i dun know wats wrong really. i just dun feel alright mentally. and everytime i read my bible, my mind literally flies awayy. i can read one single verse 10 times, and yet dun know wat im reading. sigh.

light up light up...

2006-10-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

hmmm. `feeling troubled lately. i wonder why... especially since its suppose to be the holidays. but sigh. it's gonna end soon. the only 2 things i look forward to are 1. my beloved friends (: and 2. my darling children (:
im so afraid that i cant cope with the projects and all that lesson plans. its totally nerve-racking for me. sigh sigh.

hmmm. something happened yesterday, and its been on my mind every single troubling second.
how is it possible that someone who hardly knows you, will say he likes you, all of a sudden? i totally dun believe in such stuffs. besides, i dun even see anything good in myself. bleah* he totally scared me. i didnt even know wat to say.. luckily ive no webcam. but he looked a little upset.
love is a trap. people in love are blind..in some way. haha.
sigh. wat should i do? i dun want to hurt him. hmm. we going donate blood next week... cos he asked me along. haha.

hmmm. maybe if he was tall, dark and handsome..i would have considered giving him a chance. wahaha.
sigh. watever it is, having gone through those past experiences, i no longer place much hope in that four letter word. . .

love really does change you. in the attempt to change the person you love, you'll gradually see a change in yourself as well. and everything never is the same again...
perhaps its only the memories that'll still bind us together, no matter how big the change is...

hmm..moving on to something else: im having lots of difficulties teaching tuition to my primary 4 boy. he certainly is giving me hell of a time each time i go his house. his SA2 is only a week away and he hardly even put in effort in his work.
im always feeling demoralised whenever we have tuition. he calls me stupid! at least 10 freaking times within that 1.5 hours. and that's not all.. he also calls me dumbwit, retarded, ugly duckling, idiot, 'ben dan' (stupid in chinese) etc etc. AHHH! so sad can.
and yet... i dun know how to defend myself. well, i suppose that's the worst rights. sigh. help help.

dun hurt me. cos i dun wish to hurt you either...

wednesday blues

2006-09-26T22:59:00.001-07:00

whee~ so glittery nice. ahh, i feel as if i wasting away my holidays. sigh. gonna be busy when school starts. but trying not to think about that yet, hee~
i recently cut my finger, had 3 stitiches. the doctor used green thread, haha. and it was scary witnessing the entire 'surgery'. so much pain, so much blood...
the injections were the worst. it practically went through my bones. ouch.

its scary how people change. and soon... you realise that they are no longer the beautiful soul you once knew....

2006-09-08T06:31:00.001-07:00

hmmm. feeling upset. feeling stupid. feeling used. feeling horrible.
AAhhH! someone knock me on the head please.
i can never trust that person!!!!! you're driving me nuts. or am i bringing these shit upon myself. wtf.

helphelphelphelphelp. tell me if i should just lose such a friend or bear with all the nonsense? such inner conflict... :'(

the exam results coming out soon. anticipating it.. hopefully, it wouldnt be disappointing.
i'll be working in pizza place again. at raffles city. come drop by okies..
okayy. love love. tata

2006-09-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

happy people

2006-09-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

whee. i bought a new bag yesterday. its has gold designs on it, pretty cool (: my brother paid 1/3 of its price, and he also got me a new precious moments bottle, and treat me to japanese desserts. pretty yummy i must say.
thankfully for my brother, who has been there for me.. mm..but i know its because of the 'thing' which has happened. sometimes i really dun wish to listen to all his advices, but i guess he meant well :P
ooh. i watched 'the devil wears prada' recently, its a show worth watching. after all that pursuit for fame, money and branded clothes, you realise that happiness lies within and even in the ordinary life (:

a thousand miles

2006-08-29T01:10:00.000-07:00

where'd you go. i miss you so...
whee~ tuesday today. today is stay-at-home day. no one to go out with. too bad. hee~ i miss my secondary school friends. wahaha. when is the junior college holidays huh? someone tell me can can? (: i miss them sooo much. nursila, kaitian, audrey, odelia, joleen, jiapei, radiah...!!

ohh. ive no idea when our exam results are out too. someone tell me can? i suppose its soon rights? i hope i'll get a distinction at least. i'll be over the moon, and i'll tell my darling first! maybe.

actually that person no longer my darling. ahhs. *sad-ded. hmmm. its scary how a person changes, such a drastic change that certainly took everyone by surprise. from a gentle, caring person to one that is scarcastic, aggrassive and unpredictable. being the closest one to me, seeing the person change is a heartbreak...
we always play silly games. like playing scissors, paper stone, and the loser will get a slap on the face. its damn painful la, cos i always lose :p sometimes, the person will sink his teeth into my arm or attempt to bite my fingers out. or pinch my cheeks until the muscles ache.. *bleah. saddistic person. haha.
well. this time, we played another 'game'. (or perhaps it isnt a game. just another trap ive fallen into) we are not suppose to contact each other at all, no sms, no calls. i am trying not to lose. yup, trying very very hard. but im not quite used to it yet. :p

ohh. yesterday, i went to bugis..squeezing among a crowd of fans just to peek at a he junxiang and sha sha (in the drama serial: Marry Me!)
he IS so super duper handsome. sigh. i wish he is my brother or something. hee. my camera had some last minute problems and i didnt know how to change the settings!! :p so the photos i took were terrible. sigh. so sad. but i will still share some okays (:

super far shot. *sigh. i saw that other people's camera had a close up of their faces! ahhh. so angry. i already zoom to maximim already. or at least i think so..? haha.

this is taken at the side! during the autograph session. too bad i didnt buy the vcd. anyways, the queue was like super long. i wonder if i could get to see him upclose if i queued up for his autograph. haha.

when the truth and the lie cannot be differentiated

2006-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

whee~ of all the days which the fireworks were displayed, im soo happy i caught 3 nights of colourful blasts (: so awesome. thank you LORD for such wonderful sky sparks. i cant get enough of it really. but squishing and squashing in the crowd sure is madness.
oohh. i watched the ant bully with my darling yesterday, and it ended just right before the fireworks started. so we rushed out and ran a hundred miles- out of the theatre, down the escalator, through the narrow walkway, out of suntec, across the road, through the bush, across another road, ran thru the entire stretch of Millenia Walk, out of the exit, sped up the escalator (which wasnt working!) and finally! saw a portion of fireworks. :D
i wonder how fireworks are created. im sure God has an answer. (ohh. God, tell me in my dreams..)
i miss zacheus. i saw him on national day though (: but he was carried by a woman sitting outside a shop in geylang. and she sure didnt look decent to me. i must admit i was distraught after that incident.. cos i love him so.
and i dun want anything to happen to him.

2006-08-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

Lest I neglect,
Of all my life when I depart,
Very few people beget
Etching so deep in my heart.

For a moment
One could love so deeply, yet
Reality confused and caused torment,
Languishing the love I had.
Only thing important left,
Recollection of forlorn love that
Neither of us will ever forget.

when you rather be living in a lie...

2006-08-07T08:32:00.001-07:00

when everything is over. it IS over...

i dun feel like talking to a single person actually. i have no idea how i can even manage to be happy in school. oh sigh.. im hurting so much inside. luckily when there's school assignments to complete (like our playkit..) it takes my mind off these sad stuffs. tomorrow is tuesday! suppose to go east coast park wth my darling children, but have to complete the essay portion of our playkit, so cant go. *sad. i thought i could go for child therapy.
[losing something forever.]
and it hurts even more when the person doesnt even know that you are actually falling apart inside..

im looking forward to see the fireworks! it certainly is one of the most beautiful sight
i remember watching it with him last year end...:'(

2006-08-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

am home now. listening to the song: creation's king (: whee~ God is best.
hmm. boring leh. at home now. was trying to understand cash budgeting for our upcoming financial management test. but now dun have to do anymore le. i wanna go out. hope i can. home alone is horrible.
i miss zacheus and sean from my childcare..

2006-07-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

soo tired. booo! but there's loads and loads of homework to do. i have survived 3/4 of a week, *yay. now left the weekends. i reckon they wouldnt be any better. cos have to priortise my time to do all the nonsense assignments. superman save me!
i miss my dear zacheus. havent been able to get close to him these few weeks, cos i cant be in the toddlers' class. :( last wednesday, i saw him going outdoors to have water play! whee~ fun fun.
and guess wat? i have a new love! a N2 boy called sean, he's so hndsome! and so clingy. but he's yet another naughty boy. i realise i love naughty boys! haha. cool :D will show you his picture soon. but it's rather blur (:

grand enough to tell of ur mercy..

2006-07-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

..there must be a way.

feeling down now. so much stuffs occupying my mind. im a emotional person kays. haha. hmmm. :( thankfully ive friends whom i see everyday. see their beautiful faces. but i see that not all are cheerful too. oh sigh. life presents us with hurts which are meant to strengthen us. but i guess sometimes, it's just so hard to see things in a positive light.

some things are better to anticipate and prepare before being deeply scarred when the time comes. just like a break up.

as far as you can

2006-07-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

"He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear."

hmm.its monday once again. oh sigh. cant be avoided though. cos only when monday comes will tuesday then follow... dadada. until FRIDAY! and then the weekends again! whee~ oh no. but i dun want the next weekend to come. cos i will have to stay at home. my bf says he wouldnt be free. :( oh wells.
so so much stuffs to do. hope i can finish them on time.

im so worried for this wednesday's music lesson with my children. havent planned yet. i spent more than 4 hours last tuesday to plan my music lesson(to be asessed) but my darlings turned to monsters! so everything screwed up. could only cry..
i only wish things will get better for this week's lesson. otherwise, i shall have to quit school le.
so demoralising you know.. :'(

wanna run away.

raffles, zacheus, and stuff toys

2006-07-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

oh sigh. im so sad now.. amazingly how words can have a powerful impact on people. the words that comes out from one's mouth. the simple words in which have not much meaning by itself, but when formed into a chain of words, can either cause shouts of joy or tears of misery to a person. how fragile one can get..
hmm.its gonna rain now. i wish i had someone by my side.. sure i do have people in my heart, but they're just so far away. hugging a squishy stuff toy just feels so much different from a read person standing in front of you (: dun you think? but stuffs toys bring comfort too. the cold ones and the warm ones (: i love them all the same, though i tend to show biasness.. haha.

oohh. btw, YOU must check out raffles city! its so totally cool, it'll blow ur socks off, hee. mm..yup, and im refering to the basement. MUST CHECK IT OUT okays(:

post note: gonna break up with my boyfriend soon. apparently, he has a thousand and one girls by his side.. oh sigh. it's not like he is UHU glue, white glue, super glue, multi-purpose household glue, washable glue or elephant glue, so why do all kinds of people stick to him? go awayy :P haha.
i dun like him anymore..anyways. bleah. finally going crazy

this is qihuan's naughty children. standing at the door instead of listening to her, haha.

2006-07-08T00:54:00.000-07:00

silly me.. accidentally replace an important document with another file. now its gone forever. sharks. sharks.
oh wells. not the first time le. next time must check. and check. andd... check again.
anyways. its saturday today!! but im stuck at home. sad sad. later going to work. working can be fun sometimes. but sometimes, you want to tear out of your skin and run away. haha. working at the clinic has indeed been a learning experience. but because im always so blur and forgetful, i always make stupid mistakes. i feel more and more stupid each time i do something wrong.
hmm.i wish we have more patients coming in. but of course i do not 'curse' that anyone should fall sick.. :) im nice, hee.
i want ice cream now!! maybe i shall go downstairs and get later. :)

im in and out of feeling loved.
i may be saying this for the umpteen time,: but i wanna say again: i love zacheus!!

anyways. here is one of my photos taken at e childcare (: hee. the others cant upload, spoil-ded.

2006-07-05T02:36:00.001-07:00

i want to cry. today's music lesson plan was totally disasterous. my children are getting out of hand. couldnt do anything with them at all, cos no one wanted to cooperate. oh sigh. so disheartened.
i want zacheus!!
managed to see him today, :) he was wearing this 'hello kitty' shirt over his uniform, at the dramatic corner. so cute, hee. i want to run away with him.

:P

2006-06-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

everyone has to strengthen up at various points in their life. how tough it is sometimes.. especially when the mind is unable to let go of the emotional burdens. how is it like to experience a loss? perhaps everyone has gone through such trials before.. be it minor or turbulent circumstances.
oh sigh. i think im being too pessimistic. but then. i really really dun want to lose anyone. i wonder if anything terrible will happen in the near future. i dun wish to think about it, but it really troubles me. especially when its so evident that things have changed much over the weeks. even a thousand drops of tears wouldnt revive any situation.
maybe its those times when you are about to lose something, that you really begin to give a thought as to what u could have done instead. wishing that one can easily turn back time to rectify any mistakes.
i seriously dun know wat to do. i feel so lost sometimes. cos the only person whom you wish to talk to..is the one who has hurt you.

thankfully for nice friends, it makes life much brighter. like deborah, zhige, karryn, charlane, qihuan, kelly :).. and for dear zacheus who eases my hurts whenever i think of him.

madly in love

2006-06-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

im in love love LOVE!!

with a 2 year old toddler.
awww.
im ever so happie..whenever i see him! *zacheus brightens up my world*
yesterday, he was happily carrying his little bolster around the classroom whereever he went. he's always so easily amused- he wanted to do something with his hands, so he placed the bolster on his head, but it kept slipping off and falling to the ground. so he did it over and over again, and kept laughing when it repeatedly fell to the ground. so cute. hee :)
i love his hugs. its so warm (: sometimes, he'll tend to cling on so tightly to me, that i cant bear to let him go. i want to bring him home! *crazy in love. hahah.

hmm. the 2 week school holidays gonna end in 2 days. sigh. sometimes, i look forward to school. cos some things are fun.. but most things aren't. :P hahah.
i want zacheus.

the wind blows past us

2006-06-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

hmm. not sure wat i should say. or rather..how i should put my messed-up thoughts in words. sigh. im so so sad once againn.
apparently, i screwed up my life. i made the wrong decisions, i said the wrong things, i did things unintentionly. i made myself upset, i made my parents upset, and most importantly, i made God disappointed in me. oh sigh. the best word to describe myself would be- hypocrite. somehow.

thankfully, God created beautiful things which could give us temporal pleasure & comfort during these dark moments in life. i bought a coloured wheel recently. its so beautiful when it spins in the air. (but excessive playing will cause dizziness)

anyways. back to wat i intended to say.. i guess we are about to end. im so doubtful that he will ever forgive me again. sigh.
perhaps there comes a time when every beautiful thing has to end. why is it so hard to hold on to the thing which we treasure most. maybe its complacency that causes people to drift. and..the inability to adapt to changes. the inability to change oneslf.
there comes a time when you doubt so many things. conjuring up images which may not actually happen in reality. thinking of the worst and placing the relationship on a sinking ship.

sometimes, its so hard to talk to him cos sometimes he dun seem to get wat im trying to say. i admit i dont quite trust him, despite how sweet he can be sometimes.
amazing how a particular personality trait that attracts you to the person is the one that creates problems in the relationship. oh sigh.

its losing something that throws you into confusion.. rockbottom

lovee!

2006-05-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

wheee~ ive a new blog address. yay*
today is fridayyy! tomorrow im gonna work with deborah at some cooking school. cooking with lawyers! so cool huh. cant wait to see them. hahah.
anyways. guess wat? i saw my dear zacheus at my field prac attachment on wednesday! so so happie(: i totally adore him. (the teacher said i could take him home!...) haha. as if.
my only motivation of going for childcare attachment each week is to see Zacheus and his beloved purple dinosaur... Barney! :)) he totally makes my day.
back to our tons-and-tons of assignments.. its never ending man. sigh. jia you~ everyone!